What do you do when life gets in the way?
I’ve been thinking long and hard about something that has been bothering me. Almost a year ago, I vowed to get into college and to work towards achieving a lifetime goal I have of graduating from college with a Ph.D in Electrical Engineering. Well, it’s almost a year and I have been able to do nothing towards that goal. To say that life has gotten in the way has been an epic understatement.
I’ve lost a job and gotten a new one. I love my new job, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just not what I want to do. I don’t want a job, I want a career. I want to be designing computer hardware. I want to be a member of a team where I am a respected colleague, not just “That New Guy” where my thoughts and opinions are valued not scorned upon.
I guess I’m still fighting off the remnants of what I’m sure is PTCD (post traumatic career disorder) after my last job fell apart after an anguishingly long term of standoffs with the supervisor. She did not value my opinions at all and rather than at least pay me the courtesy of listening to my thoughts and helping me understand, she saw fit only to muzzle me and to keep me out of the way. When I protested, she found ways of dealing with me.
My new job on the other hand is a very stark contrast to my last one. My supervisor treats me with respect and is a great guy in general, even if I did kick his ass in pool after work. My team is always available to help when I need them and I have helped them with many things as well. I get the feeling of value that I didn’t have at my last job.
But the problem is the job itself. I can do the job well at least according to my stats and my supervisor but it does not engage me as deeply as I want to be engaged. I don’t want to be assisting people figure out which wordpress plugin killed their blogging site or trying to figure out why Joomla is rendering a blank page for the next five years. I want more than that, no I need more than that.
My goal is to be designing electronic equipment. I want to be the guy featured on Make Zine for having brought home automation home, or the guy that is running his house and his network on a solar cell farm or a nuclear battery powered by trash (yes, it will have the name “Mr. Fusion”). I want to be desinging the hardware that makes life better, not sitting on the edge of the river of life with my big toe in the currents.
I’m almost 30 now and have nothing to show for it. I’ve never been outside of the country except to Mexico when I was 8, and I haven’t taken a real vacation in at least the last 10 years. The closest I get is a twice-a-year hiatus where I go to camp out with a lot of friends in Central Texas.
I had aspirations and dreams once, but it seems like every time I make a plan and set forth to implement it, my seemingly stable life explodes into a world of drama and chaos resulting in the latest financial disaster that must be dealt with. I can’t believe that this is going to be my life for the next 50 years. I refuse to believe it. On the other hand, I am so tired of wanting to do things and getting thwarted by life leaving plans half-sinking in the wake.
So, the $64 question is, what do you do when life gets in the way?